Ups and downs... and everything in between.

It's a tricky thing, that Bipolar demon. It's one of the few things in my life that is a constant, and although at times I feel out of control, I know the symptoms and I (usually) know how to handle them. The depression episodes can be draining, emotionally and physically, and I usually wind up feel suffocated; trapped within my own body in a seemingly worthless existence. The manic episodes are far more challenging, as I can become very overwhelming to a lot of people and these episodes usually result in me making incredibly stupid decisions. I cycle rapidly; my depression can lead to mania within a matter of a few minutes, for absolutely no reason at all and on a pretty frequent basis. I used to be on medication; an antidepressant/anti-psychotic combo, which is what's traditionally used to treat Bipolar symptoms. My last happy cocktail was Effexor XR (150mg, 3x/day) and Risperdal (10mg/day). This combo eventually lost effectiveness (as they usually do) and I lost my medicaid. I have been off the medications for about 5 months now, and at first I seemed to be doing okay. But, I'm noticing the symptoms and cycling creeping back, most likely as a result of extreme stress. Luckily I was able to get my medicaid back, now all I have to do is find a doctor (I haven't really had one since moving back to the Columbus area). I wish like hell I still had the doctor I had in Canton. He was the one of the best doctors in the Canton area for Bipolar treatment.

Now, for a little insight into the complexity of what I deal with on a daily basis...

In my depression episodes, I typically retreat and withdraw from everything. These will usually last for a few weeks. I become paranoid, irritable, highly fatigued, achy, and emotional. On these days, it takes everything I have to get up in the mornings. Literally. It feels physically impossible to move. The thoughts that go through my head during these episodes are usually morbid or dark in nature and I literally just want to be left alone. My paranoia usually pertains to my relationships with people around me; I feel insignificant, small, and worthless to everyone. I find myself second-guessing everyone and everything that people tell me. I even second-guess myself. Constantly. This phase makes my romantic relationships hard. I could be with the sweetest, most attentive guy, and still always look at him askew when he tells me how beautiful I am or how much he loves me (this is also a result of not being able to trust people easily after many years of trusting too much and getting walked upon).

My manic episodes can be far worse. Mainly because I literally have trouble seeing the consequences of my actions. I'm easily excitable, highly overzealous and extremely talkative. Pretty much like I've had about 13 cups of *really* strong coffee. My need for sleep becomes pretty much non-existent. Maybe 4 hours a night, if that. People tend to shy away from me at this point (aside from the people that know me, know what the cause is, and know to just ignore me) because I can be a little overbearing. I can just be sitting there and suddenly feel this rush, like an extreme state of euphoria. All of a sudden, I become some self-proclaimed superhero, able to anything and will stop at nothing. Everything makes me happy, and I feel young, almost childlike. These episodes tend to not last very long, however. Usually anywhere from a few days to a week or two.

I have periods in between of not really knowing how I feel. During those periods, I can have many mood swings in one day. I don't get crazy. I don't bite people's heads off (usually). It's more like I transcend my negativity and become slightly more positive; I become happy and content. Then something will happen to make me regress back into the unsure, negative state (even something as trivial as stubbing a toe or dropping a glass of water) and I start the whole process all over again. It's extremely annoying to say the least and very hard to cope with sometimes.

It is because of my Bipolar that I have problems maintaining personal relationships. I'm so all over the map, and people have a hard time keeping up and it frustrates them that I can't tell them exactly what's wrong when I have my bad days. They're just "bad days". There's no rhyme or reason to them and they can come and go in an instant, like a snowflake hitting a warm car hood. They just happen. And I'm sucked into a need to sleep all day, just so I don't have to face anything. Sometimes, I'll just start thinking about something traumatic or depressing that I've gone through and it just spirals out of control. Other times, it's nothing in general. I'm hoping that blogging will help me make some sense of my thoughts, and help me to pinpoint what triggers me the most.

Right now, I am with an incredibly sweet guy. We've only known each other for a short time, but he has been more than patient and very attentive. I feel like I can trust him. But what throws me off is that I've had that feeling before and wound up utterly heartbroken. If he gets quiet, I wonder why. If he sends short text answers, I think the worst. A part of me wants to end it just to spare myself the emotional turmoil just in case he decides to leave me later. That's what my Bipolar does. It leaves me to second-guess and fear the worst. On the meds, it's not that bad. Off the meds, however, is a different story. At least I know the origin of these feelings and I don't act on them or let them get out of hand (which is a struggle in itself). I also worry about what he'll think of me to witness my actual manic/depression episodes. He's only had a tiny taste of my depression phase. I can only imagine what he'll think of me when he sees me in full-blown mania. I desperately need my meds back. I refuse to let this illness destroy a potentially wonderful and loving relationship...