Broken Perfection

My God. How do I handle this? My heart hurts. I have to refrain from saying the things I want so badly to say, because I'm pretty sure if he knew how I felt, he'd run... I think. That's where I'm torn. We've both been hurt before, both had our share of heartache. I know we're both scared. I *want* to let him know I'm here for him always, no matter what it is, no matter what he wants or needs. Even if he just wants me to sit in the same room with him, just to have someone there to cut through the loneliness. But how do I make him aware of this without putting myself out there, risk freaking him out, and having him walk away? I don't want him to be afraid of me... to think that I'm gonna hurt him the way everyone else has. I have never had such a pure, untainted feeling about someone before. It's even scary for me. At times, I have absolutely no idea how to handle it. Even at his worst, I would still bend over backwards for him. How in the fuck could I ever hurt him? We've been friends for a while now. But I knew how I felt about him, even then... but for certain reasons, I had to keep my distance. Right now, I don't really care about those reasons anymore. I'm happy around him. Sublimely happy. Even if he's feeling low, I still want to be around him. Because it's him. Just his presence alone means the world to me, and not being around him makes me feel like a part of me is missing. It pisses me off that we've both had such massive amounts of shittiness in our lives... to the point that we feel like we can't trust people, and we don't matter to anyone. Aside from my kids, my wifey, and a few family members and friends, he is one of the most important people in my life. We understand each other. I only wish I could make him understand that his friendship means everything... I would absolutely love for there to be more. But I'd rather have his friendship and say nothing, than say something and lose him forever.

The Wall

True love. Is there even such a thing? I know for some people, it exists. But, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm completely incapable of feeling it. I know I have loved before. But, true love? No. Not even close. At this particular moment, I'm feeling the spark of something I've never felt before, yet I keep it at bay. I'm unsure, lost, confused, and utterly terrified of letting down that wall to actually succumb to it. Letting my guard down even a little bit leaves me vulnerable. I know that with this person, I feel an strong desire to just be. It doesn't matter what we're doing. Being in the same room is satisfying enough. Physical contact is overwhelming at times and I constantly want to touch him, but I'm afraid to. I'm scared of needing him. I can't need him; I couldn't handle him not needing me back.

I honestly have no idea how I feel right now. Vulnerability is an understatement. He's a very close friend, and regardless of whatever happens, he always will be. He's one of the few people that truly understands me, because he's just as broken and fucked up as I am. I thought at first, that was the connection. It does play a big part of it. But, he's an insanely beautiful creature... inside and out. Everything about him. His eyes are like lasers, and when he looks at me, I can instantly lose my train of thought. He knows exactly how to touch me to make me melt completely... in a way no other damn person on this earth has ever touched me before. Just being in his presence calms me and turns my stomach into knots at the same time. All I know is that the way I feel about him scares the fuck out of me. Not just because of the intensity of it, but because I'm terrified that what I'm feeling is one-sided. I know he feels something. I'm just not sure if what he's feeling is strong enough to contend with all the other issues he has in his life. And that's okay. I will still be here for him. For however long it takes. Even if it never happens, I'm perfectly content just being in his life, being a constant, and loving him from afar.

So, my wall remains in place. A little bit shaky at the moment, but holding strong. I firmly believe that he is the one that's supposed to bring my wall down. But not until he's ready to; if he ever is at all.