The Wall

True love. Is there even such a thing? I know for some people, it exists. But, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm completely incapable of feeling it. I know I have loved before. But, true love? No. Not even close. At this particular moment, I'm feeling the spark of something I've never felt before, yet I keep it at bay. I'm unsure, lost, confused, and utterly terrified of letting down that wall to actually succumb to it. Letting my guard down even a little bit leaves me vulnerable. I know that with this person, I feel an strong desire to just be. It doesn't matter what we're doing. Being in the same room is satisfying enough. Physical contact is overwhelming at times and I constantly want to touch him, but I'm afraid to. I'm scared of needing him. I can't need him; I couldn't handle him not needing me back.

I honestly have no idea how I feel right now. Vulnerability is an understatement. He's a very close friend, and regardless of whatever happens, he always will be. He's one of the few people that truly understands me, because he's just as broken and fucked up as I am. I thought at first, that was the connection. It does play a big part of it. But, he's an insanely beautiful creature... inside and out. Everything about him. His eyes are like lasers, and when he looks at me, I can instantly lose my train of thought. He knows exactly how to touch me to make me melt completely... in a way no other damn person on this earth has ever touched me before. Just being in his presence calms me and turns my stomach into knots at the same time. All I know is that the way I feel about him scares the fuck out of me. Not just because of the intensity of it, but because I'm terrified that what I'm feeling is one-sided. I know he feels something. I'm just not sure if what he's feeling is strong enough to contend with all the other issues he has in his life. And that's okay. I will still be here for him. For however long it takes. Even if it never happens, I'm perfectly content just being in his life, being a constant, and loving him from afar.

So, my wall remains in place. A little bit shaky at the moment, but holding strong. I firmly believe that he is the one that's supposed to bring my wall down. But not until he's ready to; if he ever is at all.